Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I Am The Chief, So Everybody Hail Like Crazy

We enjoyed a glorious visit from Nina and Pa this weekend. Things got a little crazy, as they are wont to do when Nina's around.

My playgroup met yesterday at the playground of a local Catholic church, and on my way I noticed a sign listing times to go for confession. I've been thinking about it ever since. To me going to confession sounds like something only done in movies or books, but people go in real life. Apparently.

I'm going to have to chat with my Catholic friends since, for the life of me, I can't figure out what it's supposed to accomplish (unless I'd, say, previously thrown a stink bomb into the little box with the priest in it, then I admit it would be quite appropriate for me to be in attendance). But until I can locate Brooke and Dave's e-mail address, I thought I'd try out some confession here to see if it enlightens me. This is just an experiment and thus I declare that none of this information can be used against me in any form or fashion.


1. I hate women's retreats. There, I've said it. Whew! You know, I DO feel better.

I'm basing this vast judgement of all women's retreats everywhere on my personal experience of having attended, hmmmm, maybe 2 retreats in my whole life, and those many years ago. And if you're reading this and you actually attended one of these conferences with me, please be assured that it wasn't your company that sent me to the dark side. It's the toxic levels of estrogen in the air.

Cutesy gift baskets in the hotel rooms are nice. Bow-bedecked tables laden with books like "Quieting the Demons in My Ovaries" and "Pray Away Your Cellulite" I can deal with. The manicured snipers positioned and ready to take you out if they sense you might not cry while listening to the speaker ... that's when I run away. Maybe you could get a pass if you teared up during the music. I don't know. But I think for it to be considered a truly successful event, clumps of women clutching mascara-laden tissues have to hug each other all the way to the parking lot, promise to hold each other accountable, then make plans to stop by the outlet mall on their way home to shop for Capri pants.

I don't think I'm manly ... am I? I mean, I can chat it up about childbirth and crock pot recipes with the best of them. I love Jane Austin and perfumed lotion and am currently crocheting a baby blanket. The whole thing might benefit from a couple of dudes on the panel - that's all I'm sayin'.


2. I once fixed a cup of tea for Phil and used breast milk instead of cream to see if he'd notice. He didn't.


Nina was determined Elsbeth had to have a turn on a slide. She loved it.


3. For a time while I was in high school, I kept a framed picture of Jonathon Brandis (torn from a magazine) on my desk. I know, your first thought is, "Hey, I did that, too! In THIRD GRADE." Yes, you see, that's why this is a confession and not just a bit of random information about me. Your second thought, "Who the heck is Jonathon Brandis?" I thought he was cute, so sue me. And it wasn't like I was dating a whole lot through high school (and by "a whole lot" I mean "ever"), so the day dreams had to suffice. Aren't y'all glad Phil took pity on me?

Els forgiving Nina for the whole slide incident.


4. I have named my baby fat tummy flap "Kat Von D" after the tattoo artist on the show "LA Ink." I have this compulsion to name everything, I think Kat Von D is a super cool name, and it's nice to imagine the fat flap is something separate from myself. I think Phil is a little disturbed by how often conversation includes her, as in, "Kat Von D is starving and really needs a big bowl of ice cream" or "Kat Von D hates those pants 'cause they pinch her face." He asked the other day how long Kat Von D would be staying with us. I think she was a little hurt.


5. Yesterday I poured myself a glass of milk, then a while later when I went to pour some for Andrew, I couldn't find the carton. This morning I discovered it neatly tucked away inside one of my kitchen cabinets. I'm pretty sure this is the kind of thing people find themselves doing just before they're diagnosed with a bad case of dementia.

6. I currently have a mild-to-moderate crush on Zac Efron. This means that though I do not have a photo of him framed anywhere in the house, I would most certainly make a gigantic fool of myself if I happened upon him in real life. Phil had made big fun of me and cruelly intimated that I could be his mother (which I couldn't ... I don't think), and really I don't think he can talk since he has had a mild-to-moderate crush on Katie Couric for years, and she could totally be his mother.

Cozy with her Pa

7. I once accidentally took a naked picture of Phil and didn't realize it until after I had it developed. It was during our first year of marriage and I was trying to take some daily life photos of us around our first apartment. There was a strategically placed mirror that I hadn't considered .... This was pre-digital, so I actually had to go to CVS and drop the film off, and when I went to pick it up, I was assisted by a girl who had recently begun attending our college group at church. She was very chatty (and smiley) when handing over my pictures and made sure to mention details about several of them as she had done the developing herself. It was quite a moment for me, standing it the kitchen alone sifting through my cute newlywed snapshots when I saw it. I clung to the hope that it wasn't too obvious, that perhaps no one but me would have ever noticed, so I left it out on the counter. My hopes were dashed when Phil got in from class, picked up the print, and said with a horror-tinged voice, "You took a naked picture of me?!"

That's all I've got for now. How cleansing! Gotta go now - Kat Von D has requested some peach cobbler before she hits the sack.

18 comments:

ErinM said...

Did Phil know about the cup of tea before today? Just curious. Tell him Kat Von D made you do it.

Jessie Mobley said...

You are hilarious!! I love how the pictures are totally unrelated to your confessions! Elsbeth is getting so big! I love her little sweater! And that picture of Andrew peaking his little head through the tunnel hole is PRECIOUS!

I feel the same way about Zac Efron! Watching 17 Again made me want to see the High School Musicals.

Tracey Clarke said...

:)...you so very funny.

I hate women's retreats and I am proud of it.

BTW, Zac Efron looks like a girl.

Nina of the Precious and the Nibblet said...

I love being included in the blog, with all the crazy antics around my sweet Precious and Nibblet. But next time, crop out the fashion no-nos (like tennis shoes with high white ankle socks along with capris).
I'm so afraid of being stalked by the What Not to Wear people!

I know I'm the Nina, but I totally agree that you are hilarious.

Jean Joiner said...

i grew up catholic and went to confession growing up. i wish i would have had 1/2 of your creativity though. i always said boring things like i was mean to my sister.

you crack me up!

also, just so you know, our women's retreat this year at intown is called "not your momma's women's retreat" we've got some great ideas on how to make it more relevant to women today. we'd love some ideas from you. ha ha...never thought you'd get targeted by this post, did you?

Nathan Smith said...

Oh my goodness, this post had me cracking up this morning. Thanks for the laughs!

Phil Mobley said...

I don't even know how to comment. I'm speechless...

Crazy Aunt Sallie said...

We are most certainly kindred spirits.

Ashton Sanderson said...

Zac Efron and I have the same birthday... ew.

nannykim said...

Those are serious confessions girl, it is quite frightening to read these. I just am so thankful that Phil came to your rescue in life...but he does have his work cut out for him. (of course he is rewarded with that cuteso cuddle with ELsbeth in the photo)....but, I ask you is it really worth it?? I mean , accidental naked photos...I mean how much can a good man tolerate...and breast milk in the tea....woah..well...then again, we do not know, nor do we want to anticipate what Phil's confessioins could be.....Hmmm. Then there is the nanny (I think you had another word for her...nina or I can't remember..)..Phil has to deal with that woman too...and THEN just think how Elsbeth will turn out as she grows with a mom and a grandmom like this......and for that matter a greatgrandmom like (well you know what Priscilla is like for goodness sake) ah woe woe to little Elsbeth. But there is PHIL and perhaps his influence will win out ....a daunting task!

trmills said...

Wowee, I'm with Phil.

The picture story reminds me of our very first evening with you, long ago. You should have thrown in that Phil threw his back out 10 minutes after you got married...

Brea said...

Who DOESN'T have a crush on Zac Efron? The naked picture confession, oh my, this one had me laughing out loud, particularly the thought that it was a portrayal of 'everyday life' around the apartment. :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks again for many laughs. I love reading your blog! :-)

Anonymous said...

Christy,

This post had me crying tears of laughter - just hilarious. Thanks for making my day. I'm totally with you on women's retreats, or any retreat, for that matter!!!!

Catherine Morris

Dave, Ami, Hadleigh Claire, Annelise, and True said...

hilarious as always...

Jennifer Davis Lockhart said...

Is it bad that I'm desperatelly trying to figure out who that girl was who developed your photos? I'm dying to know! I have a picture of Matt that wasn't exactly a naked photo, but the angle of the lens showed waaaay up his shorts...enough that he was embarrassed by it and made me cut that part off (it was a photo from a memorable occasion that I wanted for my scrapbook--if I had a scrapbook).
Jennifer

Jennifer Davis Lockhart said...

That should be "desperately," as in "I desperately need to proofread before hitting the publish button."

Georgia Girl said...

I miss you! True confessions - I love it!